September 16, 2016

Brutal Honesty – First Weekly Pic

Yesterday’s post was so fun to write. I laughed and I hope you did too.  But life isn’t all bright, sunshiny days despite what Johnny Nash says.  A more serious post about my journey is in order.

I swore up and down I wasn’t going to be one of those people who gains a lot weight during pregnancy. I swore I wouldn’t gain more than the suggested 30 pounds.  Oh no, not me.  I had this thing down.

I gained 70 pounds.

four-days-before

A.V. (After Violet), I assumed I would be able to easily get back in shape. Breastfeeding is a magical weight loss cure, didn’t you know?  14 weeks after giving birth I went back to work.  By then I had lost 40 of the 70.  I only had 30 to go!  Any “normal” person would be proud of that.  I, being insane, freaked out.

I actually couldn’t stop freaking out and therefore, started gaining. And gaining and gaining.  I’ve gained back every single one of the 100 pounds I lost.  Every.  Single.  One.

Of course I am sad and mad and horrified.  Of course I feel like crap.  Of course I have been screaming at myself in my head, and sometimes out loud (note the insane comment above).  I started over on countless Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, firsts of the month, fifteenths of the month – seeing a trend here?  I tried many, many different methods and I will definitely tell you about them.  But nothing has been sustainable. I feel like a loser and a failure.  I feel ike a disappointment to myself, to my family, most importantly, to Violet.

Why haven’t I been able to just you know, stop eating? Deep breath people, this is a very scary thing to say out loud, let alone to the entire internet.  I am a straight up food addict, a compulsive overeater, a binge eater.

B.V. (Before Violet), I was in a 12 step program called Overeaters Anonymous. It’s AA for food addicts. I had a sponsor.  I worked the 12 steps. I went to meetings.  I worked a food plan.  I worked out hard. I blogged.  All of this work was a demanding, full time job….but it was worth it.

It all went to shit during the first trimester. The morning sickness that lasted all day, every day.  The migraines.  The exhaustion.  I didn’t know how to handle it.  So I stopped doing everything.  I traded meetings and workouts for The Big Bang Theory – seriously.  I watched the whole show start to finish.  TWICE.  I traded veggies for Ben and Jerry.  And I. Just. Could. Not. Stop.

This is me today…

img_0760

img_0761

I don’t want to experience life in this body. I want to be a fit, active, healthy mom.  Not just for Violet.  For me.  So I have to start the work again.  Coming back to the blog is step one.  I need accountability.  I need a place to talk about it all, with humor of course.  I hope you will come back next week and start over with me.  I am determined this will be the last time.