August 20, 2014

Half Baked


photo (2)


We are a little more than half way through this pregnancy and I thought I would share some of what I have learned.  While pregnancy is a miracle and a gift and I am truly grateful, growing a baby is not all rainbows and angels singing.  Not gonna lie, I was a little deluded and thought I might have a TV pregnancy.  You know, where one day the heroine isn’t showing and the next day she is huge and not much else has changed.  Here is what REALLY happens:

1) No one can explain to you in words what morning sickness feels like.  Some lucky b*#&#@*#  don’t get sick.  Not me.  Nausea set in around week 5 and lasted until week 14.  All day and all night.  In fact, night was worse. So you call your mom and dad because you feel your spirit breaking and your husband is the enemy, this is his fault after all.  Mom and dad help you feel a little better.  You still cry yourself to sleep. 

2) Your whole life gets turned upside down. You used to get up at 5:30am to go to the gym and enjoy a steam before blowing out your hair and carefully applying makeup. Now you get up at 7:45, pray you remember to brush your teeth, and get to work hair unbrushed and makeup undone. You really don’t care about any of this, you are just happy you made it in on time and did not throw up on the train.

3) Headaches.  Let’s not forget the three solid weeks of unending migraine.  That was the best time ever.

4) Exhaustion.  And Insomnia.  You had this idea of a beautiful, organic, medication-free pregnancy where you go to the gym every day and just glow.  Then reality sets in.  You take the damned unisom because you just cannot sleep.  Every night for the last week you have been up in the middle of the night hungry, thirsty, having to pee, and when all those needs have been met you are left wide awake.  So you go to the sofa and hang out with the dog until you can sleep again.  Revert back to item #2.

5) You want to eat.  All. The. Time.  And carrot sticks aren’t going to cut it.  You want bagels with full fat cream cheese.  You want cheetos.  You want salsa or A1 or Franks Red Hot on everything.  If you are lucky, you have a week where all you want to eat are peaches and so you have 4 or 5 a day (hey, at least peaches are good for you!).  Peaches are then recalled because some were contaminated and you are now at risk for Listeria.  You cannot win.  Husbands and Baby Daddies look out, while trying really hard to eat what you know you should (celery, apples, salad, gluten-free pasta) your alter-ego, Crazy Pregnant Lady, takes over and you are miserable thus making everyone around you miserable.  Eventually you cave and have a piece of bread with butter on it.  It’s the best damned thing you have ever tasted and all is right with the world again. 

6) You get off the subway a stop or two early to get in at least a little exercise.  This is a mistake as it is trash day on this street and you didn’t know it. The smell overwhelms you. Try as you might you can’t hold it in and you vomit in the street in front of 5 people. You don’t want them to think you are drunk or crazy so you are holding your bump.  Too bad you vomited on your hand and now have it on your outfit.  Oh yeah, and while you are vomiting you realize you really need to do those kegel things because some pee comes out and runs down your leg.  You walk the rest of the way home mourning your old life. 

7) You wear a wrist brace also known as “the claw” because you have pregnancy-related carpel tunnel syndrome.  At first you think maybe you are dying because something is wrong with your arm and you have no idea what it is.  Then your sister, a pregnancy alum and MD, tells you that its carpel tunnel and you are destined to wear the claw until giving birth.  It is very hard to type while wearing the claw.  It itches and makes Crazy Pregnant Lady rear her ugly head. 

8) You think the best part about being pregnant is getting a seat on the subway.  If no one offers you a seat (which 99% of the time they do not) you quickly get over any sense of etiquette you think you have and start asking people to trade with you. 

9) The REAL best part of pregnancy is feeling the little bugger move around inside you.  You are so happy you call your parents to share the good news and then you cry.  Every time she moves you smile and laugh a little.  People at work start to think you are loosing it, but you are so happy that you don’t care. 

10) You start to forget about numbers 1-7.  You eat some carrot sticks, go for a swim at the gym, brush your hair, and thank God for stretchy maternity clothes that cover your rapidly expanding self.